Adult Attachment Styles
What is your attachment style?
People differ in how they relate to others in close relationships. We call these differences adult attachment styles. Knowing your style can help you understand yourself. The thoughts and feelings you have about relationships impact your satisfaction. Self-awareness can help you modify problem patterns that you tend to fall into.
Psychologists think of attachment as something that is rooted in early childhood experiences. Based on your experience in early childhood relationships, you might expect people to be safe and loving or dangerous or rejecting, for example.
It is important to remember that even though adult attachment styles are influenced by childhood, they can change over course of your life based on new experiences. The quality of your relationship attachments can also be different across relationships with different people.
If you would like a quick snap shot of what your attachment style tends to be, look at the paragraphs below. These were developed by researchers named Hazan and Shaver in 1987:
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I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others. I find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them. I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, others want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being.
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I find it relatively easy to get close to others, and I am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don’t worry about being abandoned or about someone getting close to me.
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I find that others are reluctant to get a close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn’t really love me or won’t want to stay with me. I want to get very close to my partner, and sometimes this scares people away.
Which of these paragraphs best fits how you tend to feel in your most important relationships? Which do you think best fits your partner?
Each paragraph represents one of three adult attachment styles. They are labelled:
- Avoidant (paragraph 1)
- Secure (paragraph 2)
- Anxious-Resistant (paragraph 3).
Dimensions of Adult Attachment
When talking about adult attachment styles, we find it helpful to look at two dimensions. The first is the level of anxiety about closeness and intimacy. People who are high on attachment-related anxiety tend to worry about whether their partner will be available, responsive, and attentive. People who are low on anxiety feel more secure and don’t feel the need to worry about whether their partner will be there for them.
The second adult attachment dimension is attachment-related avoidance. People high in avoidance prefer not to rely on or open up to others. People low in avoidance are more comfortable being intimate, depending on others and having others depend on them.
Using these dimensions, adult attachment styles can be broken down into 4 categories:
- Secure individuals are low in both anxiety and avoidance
- Dismissing-Avoidant individuals are low in anxiety but high in avoidance
- Fearful-Avoidant individuals are high in both anxiety and avoidant
- Preoccupied individuals are high in anxiety and low in avoidance
If you would like more information about adult attachment styles and what your relationship style looks like using this 4 category framework, follow this link for a self-assessment –http://www.yourpersonality.net/relstructures/
Knowing your attachment style can help you improve your relationships. If you know that you tend to be anxious and that others find you needy, for example, you can work to develop independence. Or if you tend to be avoidant, you can work to increase your comfort with intimacy.
If you would like to talk with me individually about adult attachment styles and your sense of security or insecurity in relationships, give me a call at 404-668-9893.
